I have to show up?!
I just found the following post in my blog drafts waiting to be posted. This is going to be a long read. I don’t apologize for that. It’s a reality and a process I’m in and I know will help someone else. I wrote this before discovering where I am today so read on or skip ahead to the next blog post which ever feels right in your moment. I’m so not against reading the last few chapters of a book before deciding it’s a good one lol.
Found draft…
“When I show up”, is more valuable to me than, “how I show up”. I have an unspoken morning schedule that if I try to be perfect it inevitably fails. Kinda ironic. Trying so hard gets me not as far as just doing imperfectly. It’s better to get things in when I can, than to try to plan a better more effective space for them. If I mix it up too much things don’t get done and no I’m really not talking about chores. The chores are what usually take precedence. I’m talking about stretching and movement and pause and worship. Play and adventure and community. Yep, even this creative has a struggle with keeping space for creativity. Sad, right?! Or maybe some might see it as lazy or a waste of time?
“Kimberly, if you got the dishes, laundry and yard work done AND dinner planned then you’re doing amazing!! Most of us are lucky if we have time to get ONE of those done! You’re way ahead of the majority!!”
And I will answer “No, no, no!!” That’s exactly the point I’m making … accomplishing what’s expected has been my agenda far too long. To do all the things…. to accomplish and show up for everyone around me. I never thought I was worth a pause or a walk in the park for enjoyment. I never considered leaving the sink full of dishes or laundry piled high and to not wash the kitchen floor each week?! really ?? You mean people don’t clean the house top to bottom every week for their families and anyone that might stop by?? Oh my goodness. Don’t talk to me about showing up!! These were my daily.
But that’s where I was wrong. Pretty sure society is a lot to blame for this way of thinking but I’ve recently figured out it’s from deep within me too. You see I’ve carried the burden of people pleasing and doing for everyone else (just to be good enough) for as long as I can remember. If it was needed, I’d deliver. If it was dirty, I’d clean it. If someone needed help, I’d volunteer. So.. so.. sad now that I think about it. No wonder I’m still finding lasting effects from stress.
Stress. We all have it but we don’t all handle it the same way. For me it started to show with annoyance, depression and anxiety. Emotional break downs, health issues and recently new things I’m piecing together. From the very beginning doctors, friends and mentors told me I needed to reduce or get rid of the stress in my life. But no one offered how or even what the stress could be from. I knew when I got stressed but didn’t want to give up the people and activities I felt the stress along side. Have you been there? Are you there in it now?
I don’t speak from perfection or certified education but I am living it step by step and want to share what I’m figuring out. If that sounds interesting feel free to stick around. This stress issue really needs to be verbalized.
If you don’t feel you’re too busy to justify being stressed or maybe you feel you can’t give up anything in your life right now… don’t “stress it” (pun intended 😁)! Busy is normal and pretty understandably unavoidable these days. But that’s what makes this subject so important. It’s a problem that has no fathomable solution for the general population so it’s more often than not avoided cause no one wants to speak up.
A little history. I didn’t get a degree or go to college more than a few months. I took some online classes on Childhood Education for a job and some art classes for fun at the community college but to say I have a career some would say I fall short. I actually said that for the longest time. I believed I was inferior because I didn’t ‘make money from a job’. I didn’t have to go to a 9-5, deal with traffic and co-workers. Well, traffic yes lol… school traffic can be worse I admit. But I still hear some say “Hey, you didn’t have to deal with even remotely, a stressful lifestyle. You stayed home and took care of a house and kids for petes sake ?! Most people take care of a family and a house AND show up for a job!! Why are you so stressed?” …………..If you just thought that then you proved my point to the T of how everyone has stress but we all handle it in different ways.
How do some people slide through life without anything bothering them?
Why do some take on all the cares of the world, fix them and still not seem phased?
And why do some care for, cater to and doubt themselves so much that they break under it all?
Deep down I feel the answer to this but I still needed to ask it. We are all different. We all come from different backgrounds, families, social settings and experiences. Two people in the same situation can come away with different take aways. One for the better and the other worse off. It’s just the way we are. We’re not cookie cutter specimens. We were created with choice and interpretation. If you’re anything like me you gather and store the stresses, telling yourself that you are strong enough to handle it and it’s just making you stronger. Taking the burden off of others is your strong trait and obligation. I can’t speak to how others build up stress but I do know that when it’s too much it’s too much and breaks us either way.
The side of stress that doesn’t seem to be acceptable public conversation is when we break. Some people will say they will listen to a broken story, but when it gets too deep they back away which makes the one in the story even more at fault. We’ll hear, “you need to talk to a counselor” (which is great advice) but when you’re in the middle of depression or a mental breakdown talking to a stranger or even finding one that might help is so taxing that it never moves past suggestion to consideration. And for the individual dealing with all the emotions of overwhelm they feel like an outcast. “No one understands so I can’t say anything ‘cause — it’s just not normal. I’m weird. I should be able to handle this.! Why can’t I handle this!! Why am I so weak.? What’s wrong with me? I want help but have no idea where to start!! Therapy is expensive…I shouldn’t be that kind of a burden. A therapist would never be able to help me anyways. I can’t even explain what’s wrong. I’m not mental… I don’t need one. I’ll just get past this and everything will be ok. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I feel so worthless. I’m so broken. No one will miss me. Life would go on if I don’t show up. But I need to show up whether I’m able to or not. I’ll just hide it. When I cry, I’ll say it’s allergies. When I don’t feel like going out, I’ll say I’m just not feeling good. No one will notice.”
And the sad thing is no one really asks. They may notice someone is off but its an extremely uncomfortable conversation to start so most don’t ask. And if they do it’s a quick listen just to change the subject to ‘lighten the mood’. The road is long, dark and unmarked, so many are unwilling to turn down it. But some are stuck on it unintentionally.
(Sigh).
Writing all this brought back so many memories just now. It’s easy for me to type this sitting alone in the house. No one to see what I’m doing. I could literally delete the entire thing right now and no one would know. But no one wants to say it… and that’s why I’m writing it. Not everyone that reads this will even understand the “between the lines” emotions but those that will I pray will find hope. So with the above touched on and briefly explained I will be sharing in my next few blog posts some ways I’m finding to and and get out.
If reading this has touched a nerve please please seek medical care. Talk to your general medical practitioner. Your doctor. A pastor. A colleague or a safe trusted friend you know cares for you. You don’t have to say much for them to take you seriously. I was taken seriously and that’s how I know you will be too. Don’t give up if it feels weird or awkward. Ask and ask again. The way you are feeling doesn’t have to be your normal. You deserve freedom from it. So please ask. If you are already seeing a counselor or speaking with someone then I hope you’ll read encouragement in the upcoming posts. From all the encouragement you find in life pick and choose what tools you can adopt.
Sincerely your fellow stressed-out mom/wife/daughter/sister/entrepreneur/creative/pet mom/Christian/woman/human/friend. Just want you to realize you’re not alone.
…end of found draft.
Resonate? Validating? Encouraging? I will do my best to show up for you in more posts. Kinda considering a podcast too but that could be all over the place the way my brain works lol. I like to listen more than read how about you? Would you take a moment to share your thoughts in the comments?
Have a blessed day friend.
(next post coming asap)
