Funny that I’m going here today. I’m actually typing this because of a present procrastination I’m in the middle of but it’s a good point and maybe putting it ‘on paper’ will help me understand the whole thought process better too.
Ever do something purely out of guilt? Can you see me raising my hand over here? Yes! Always!! It’s a fault mine. But I didn’t always think of it as a fault. I actually saw it as a positive trait. Now is where the thoughts become words.
Growing up I appreciated how my mom was able to accomplish everything so beautifully. Clean house, home cooked meals, yummy baked goodies & breads; stay- at-home mom raising us girls while working a cleaning business around our schedules and volunteering at various church events. My dad too. Sabbath school leader, Chaplin for our youth group, working SO many long hours as a truck driver and yet still taking the time to instill the love of nature in me and the value of God in our family. Can’t leave out the adults of my youth that have been my mentors. Teachers, youth leaders, parents of my friends all standing out in their accomplishments and how they held their values high.
Absolutely nothing wrong with the lives these wonderful people but I made it into an unhealthy extreme. I began to see accomplishment as part of a persons’ value. Not necessarily in others but definitely in myself. I figured if I couldn’t achieve something, then I would have to deal with not being accomplished. From my youth into adulthood, if a chore was left undone… if something was out of place… if I didn’t appear to have it all together… if I didn’t have all the answers…. if I didn’t get the education… if I wasn’t able to show up… ; it all added up to me not feeling accomplished. I didn’t give myself grace if I physically couldn’t do it all and/or if life just took me in a different direction (which looking back now I know I should have), instead I gave into feeling less-than for not doing all the self-implied things.
Man, it was exhausting. This inevitably created in me an invisible side which left my health for questioning and drove me into depression then to a mental breakdown and ultimately with a constant stream of anxiety. Not to mention several weird health issues that kept randomly surfacing. While leaving the health side of my story for another day I do want to bring this full circle to the present point that started my thoughts of today.
I’m preparing for a crafters market that is happening in less that 2 weeks. I’m so excited about it and have a lot of stuff already prepared but still much more that I want to finish. Not too much to handle. I understand how I get distracted and haven’t set myself up for failure plus this isn’t my first vendor opportunity so I know what to expect. It’s an honest excitement BUT… I still have the guilt trip issues looming over me from habits passed. I’ve worked through it in many ways. I’m okay if some chores sit for a few days. I’m ok with not having a perfectly presentable house for when people randomly stop by. (Well at least I don’t get all anxious about it!) And I’m ok with imperfection. But today I noticed I’m still dealing and can’t let that fact go unnoticed. It’s okay to have old issues and habits resurface as long as we can recognize them and remember we’re in control of them. So that’s what I’m getting around to here today.
A weekend day and I might add I’m happily knitting away on some ornaments when I needed to go feed the dog. Bear with me lol this is how my mind works. So I walk into the kitchen, fed the dog, grabbed a snack (first obvious sign of procrastination), filled up my water bottle and let the sink full of dirty dishes and the dishwasher waiting to be emptied (for the 3rd day in a row) catch my attention. Yep that was it!! I have a fun dead-line I’m working on –on a day that has no other responsibilities mind you– and yet I still let something less desirable guilt-trip me into considering changing my plan of action. WHY? Key words are “self-implied-guilt trip”. I know I’ll get the dishes done tomorrow morning because that’s part of my weekly routine. I also know this day is not wasted AT ALL for many reasons such as the laundry is going, I’m listening to training (for my business) and I’m knitting up things to sell. Whew! Seems like a lot when I put it on paper! But it is and that’s the point. There are days for chores, there are schedules for planning and it’s ok to have creative space where I can do the fun productive stuff without giving in to the guilt trip.
Today I walked away from the dishes, enjoyed my snack lol and yes am typing this (that’s the random side of me) but will be headed back to my chair for more knitting of ornaments. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay with allowing myself time for doing what feels good and is fun to do. Self-love and understanding. Mental health! AND lots of grace.
Sometimes is takes a therapist to help us get our thoughts where they need to be. For me, yes it was partly counseling sessions and medication for awhile, but mostly choice in wanting to make things different. I chose to take a chance on my health with a company (that has inevitably changed my life!!) and started taking probiotics&supplements, changed my sleep routine, traded my outside-the-home job for a couple of jobs I could work from home. Let myself remember that a homemaker is a job in itself; and is still ok even though I’m not technically a stay-at-home-mom anymore and that me being here is appreciated by my husband (also that that’s all that matters along with that I still love being a homemaker!!). I chose more time with my family and daily morning focus with Jesus. I chose to consistently show up for myself everyday!! Sounds like a lot but over time it all came together by swopping places with my physical and mental health issues. Now I’m seeing the other side of the guilt trip scenario.
Do you play the guilt trip game too? How does it make you feel and where has it gotten you? Are you ready for a change like I was? It’s a hard road but such a rewarding one too. I’m not telling you my story just to get you hopeful and/or discouraged (heavens NO!) I’m telling you because it’s possible to have a happy health story and I’d love to help you get you started on yours too.